revise the paper 15

Can you help revise the paper (AP DRAFT 2)and provide an annotated bibliography page.

Here are the comments that teacher left.

Comments
Jin, After reading your draft, my overall impression is that you need to spend much more time describing, defining, and advocating your solution, using research to support your claims. Right now, your solution is supported by very little research, and I’m not even sure what it looks like or is intended to do at a practical level. You don’t need to invent a solution to the problem, but you do need to present all aspects of your solution in a way that shows it’s the best one. Who supports it? How much will it cost to implement? Who will it help? You should also be sure to stay away from describing the problem in too much detail. For example, your causation section is in “HCP territory,” meaning that you’re spending time talking about the problem, not the solution. You can assume that your reader is familiar with the problem and has read your HCP; imagine that the AP is picking up where the HCP left off. Think of causation as providing a solution that will get at the root of the problem–not as an opportunity to once again prove that the problem exists and is deserving of our attention. -Be sure to use multimodal evidence. Also, please be sure your essay follows a standard essay format, not an outline. I don’t mind if you use headings, but the way it’s written now makes your essay seem disconnected and organized somewhat randomly.

Comments

Jin, After reading your draft, my overall impression is that you need to spend much more time describing, defining, and advocating your solution, using research to support your claims. Right now, your solution is supported by very little research, and I’m not even sure what it looks like or is intended to do at a practical level. You don’t need to invent a solution to the problem, but you do need to present all aspects of your solution in a way that shows it’s the best one. Who supports it? How much will it cost to implement? Who will it help? You should also be sure to stay away from describing the problem in too much detail. For example, your causation section is in “HCP territory,” meaning that you’re spending time talking about the problem, not the solution. You can assume that your reader is familiar with the problem and has read your HCP; imagine that the AP is picking up where the HCP left off. Think of causation as providing a solution that will get at the root of the problem–not as an opportunity to once again prove that the problem exists and is deserving of our attention. -Be sure to use multimodal evidence. Also, please be sure your essay follows a standard essay format, not an outline. I don’t mind if you use headings, but the way it’s written now makes your essay seem disconnected and organized somewhat randomly.

And I will attach the HCP that mentioned in the comments and the outline model. And I attached the prompt, rubric and two examples.

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